Menomena

shares the harrowing tale of its submission to MusicFest NW

First things First let me be allowed to warn you in advance. This text is highly uncensored and dangerous because it is Full Reality. If I was to be paid for advice, I’d surely tell you to think quick about digesting one single additional line from here on. But if you back up now, your tires will be A-OK but your stupid Face will suffer severe damage, you listen?

Secondly, please allow me to tell you One thing here. And that One thing is that I like to Skate. And when I say, “I like to Skate” you should be glad to know I mean that I like to Skate two ways: Skating Fast and Skating Hard. Furthermore, don’t be duped for one single damn second here. The word “Skate” will not mean falling on your stupid Face with Spandex covering your dirty butt and wheels in a single line attached below your uncomfy Boots. And it sure for Hell’s sake does not mean carving Figures of Eights in the cold with Knife Blades strapped to your Nancy Harding - loving Feetsies. If you are still in the darkness, allow me to yank you into the light like Led Zeppelin, forcefully. I’m talking Skate BOARDS here, OK? Skate Boarding forever!

So where was I leading? Oh, I was telling you that I like to Skate Fast and Hard. Without this supreme desire for the whispering wind in my ears and vibrations of concrete lust pulsing simultaneously through both my Calf and Thigh muscle, I would never have gotten my Lardo butt off of the love seat in time to get to Down Town Portland “Stump Town” Oregon, or the Willamette Weekly office (for Specifics). Now one thing you should know if you ever sneak quickly into Down Town Portland “Stump-Town” Oregon: The little Rectangular and Green signs that speak “Skate Route” need only to be heeded by complete and total Butt Holes! If you hang with me, then you also hang with the worry of being pursued and yes, possibly even Obstructed by those Men known as The Police Men. The Police Men like to use those Butt Hole green signs as throwing stars to lob expertly at the Bare necks and sometimes genital organs of the Skater who will not dare be forced to travel on some crapping Route when you know the entire city is His concrete oyster!! So Listen here is a Tip! Use your car (or an immense Granite boulder) to bend down one of these Butt Hole signs and then whip out your Skate and just grind it quickly! I’m pretty confident you will not get sparks like Police Academy Four, but you might just get a Good battle scar on the nose or tail of your Toy Machine Edward Templeton. Hey, you might even actually Use Independent Trucks or Spitfire Wheels to match those crap stickers like a Copyrighted Cartoon Character going “Number 1” on your Dodge Ram Tough. As for me I will always support Edward Templeton because not only does he Blunt Slide like a Hell Raiser, he also paints Good Art most significantly when it comes to his wife Dana or Deana or Dania or whatevers (Who cares because she is always naked?!) Ha Ha!

OK so now you made it past the Butt Hole Police and I better talk some more about some more of my Fast Hardness when it comes to Urethane on cement! All I can ever think about is my glory days of fun in the Light on my Christian Hosoi Hammer Head courtesy of Skull Skates. Jealous Butt Holes always gave me unsolicited Chicken Soup for my Soul such as, “Hey Boy you know you should stick to Hoops, not this Skate Board crap!” Well, Time is for sure the Best guidance counselor, and Time told me the only way to respond is by launching a full frontal attack (in the form of a Switch Stance Heel Flip or at least a Super Mick Twist) right in their stupid Fat Face! And if this action segue ways to Blood, then so Be it!!

Wow frick, I’m way off course yet again! You need to stop me stop me stop me, stop me if you think that you have Heard this one before!! So by the time my wheels Power Slided to a total stop outside the Willamette Weekly offices in Down Town Portland “Stump Town” Oregon, I was completely sore from the ankles up. Thank Good God I had my trusty Toy Machine Edward Templeton to provide physical and mental support as I swung wide the glassy entrance doors! First observation: “Man, there is a lot of stair case there!” I was like, “Screw It” and just ran as fast as you have ever seen like stupid Butt Hole Tony Little and his virtually worthless Antelope machine. As I approached the summit, I stealthily unzipped my Fanny Pack (HEY, you better not even be THINKING “Camel Toe” here!!) and pulled out a Copy of the “Compact Disk” of Music to hand over sans regret.

The counter Lady was like, “Hey are you dropping that off, Dude?” And I was all over it like “You better believe it, Honey!” I tossed the “Compact Disk” of Music Her way and in one fell swoop I had my Skate Board loaded and my Etnies Sal Barbier “23” Shoes was the Perfect Ammo. Quick, here is a sidebar notification: I used to Fully endorse the “D.C.” shoes until they started showing up on the Feetsies of Peeps who are more into using Them for driving their Dodge Ram Tough with Adhesive advertisement of Independent trucks AND Spitfire Wheels AND Copyrighted Cartoon Characters going “Number 1” instead of being into using them for their Specific intended purpose of Skate Boarding Fast and Skate Boarding Hard. So yes, I just jumped on the damn thing and completely Cave Man Slid the entire damn rail out the similar way I came in to the Willamette Weekly Office.

So now to save Trees PLUS space in the little Magazine (‘Zine pronounced ZEEN) you are definitely now holding, I better just skip ahead beyond my perfect Skate Trip homeward. But one should know that I did not Abide like The Dude when it came to Obeying stupid Butt Hole Legislation such as those Fat Face Police with their rectangular Green throwing stars Otherwise known NOT as Sheila the Great but rather “Skate Route” Signage. Giant Dicks!

Statement: I frequently use E-Mail after I Skate Fast and Hard. And would not you know it? I had an E-Mail a-waitin’ When I darkened my own sweaty doorstep! And can you have one guess who This was from? Ha! The Willamette Weekly of course! I will not go into major detail because I respect the Electronic Confidence Act but yeah, It was pretty informative and naturally sexual. They were all like, “Hey there wouldn’t You know that we want You to play Music as part of the North West Festival called the Music Festival North West!” And

I was so Flattered that I said “Heck yes!” out loud to the solo audience of My cat with moniker Boo Radley. I immediately noted that Boo Radley did not know crap about the Music Festival North West so I alternately E-Mailed the Willamette Weekly in fervent response to say “Heck yes!” in a Nut Shell of course.

So in retrospect, Yes I am supportive of Skate Boards. And Yes I am supportive of The Music Festival North West and naturally the sexual Willamette Weekly. Because well, you know me like O.P.P. correct? So here is a wrap up. Go Skate Fast and Hard. And if you Happen to joyfully whiz pass me on the Side Walk, you better believe I Will be dead so don’t inflate your own Ego too much!

I love it. -m!