nick's live music guide

Is My Apathy Justified?

by Nick Jaina

Are you tired of bands whining about the lack of support for live music in Portland? You usually hear them say something like this: “There were 77 shows listed in the Willamette Week when I played on a recent Saturday night. There are 1.7 million people in the Portland metropolitan area. That means there should have been about 22,077 people at my show. There so weren’t 22,077 people at my show. Portland sucks for live music!”

Musicians don’t generally have a good idea of reality and how the real world works in any real sort of way. But this article isn’t about musicians. It’s about music, and the people who make it. We’ll call them music-making-people.

Well, actually it’s more about the listener, and I’d like to take this space to discuss the prospects for going to see live music in this wet little enclave. (They call it Portland, but have you ever wondered, “Where’s the port? Where’s the land?” Oh, there’s the port. Right, and the land. Never mind.)

If there is going to be any musical community in a city, live music must be supported. Otherwise, musicians don’t get money, exposure or confidence. Bumper stickers often tell you to support live music, which makes you feel guilty. (This pleases the bumper sticker, as a bumper sticker’s only goal in life is to make you feel guilty.) “Why is someone telling me to support live music?” you think to yourself so as not to disturb other people on the bus; “Nobody tells me to support television or figure skating. Those entertainments don’t need any pleading from insiders for my support. The implication is that live music is something I’m not naturally inclined to support, so I need someone reminding me to support it. This makes me feel guilty, as I picture the disappearance of live music if I don’t go see three loud bands in a smoky room. Is live music really going to be saved by my five dollars? Why can’t market forces and capitalism be replaced by some kind of benevolent socialism that makes live music secure forever?”

Maybe you don’t think such things, but honestly, what do you think about? Television and figure skating? Then we’re not getting anywhere. And dreaming about benevolent socialism isn’t going to solve the problem.

First, let’s try to sort out where all the people are.

Some figures: (which hopefully you’ve forgotten were already mentioned at the top of this article.)

-77 shows listed in Willamette Week for a recent Saturday night

-1.7 million people in Portland

-of that number, assume that half will never go out to a show (either too young or too old or too stuck in some sort of mud)

-of the remaining 850,000, assume that another half probably only go to a show rarely, maybe once a year, when they can get a baby-sitter or win tickets on the radio

-of the remaining 425,000 assume that half will never go to see a band that isn’t like, really really famous, because it’s really uncomfortable seeing people on a stage who aren’t famous

-of the remaining 212,500 assume that 90 percent don’t have money right now, have to get up really early tomorrow, or are too swayed by the current weather (rain: stay home, no rain: stay outside and enjoy the lack of rain)

-of the remaining 21,250 assume that 90 percent are uncharacteristically feeling the pull of television or figure skating

-so that leaves 2,125 people to go to one of 77 shows.

-77 goes into 2,125 about 27 times

Hopefully this article can help those 2,125 people divide up into 77 groups of 27 and all agree on which shows they want to see.

It’s worth a try.

But maybe you still have reservations about seeing live music. A common complaint about live music is the environment itself. Smoke is a big issue for many nonsmokers. Smoke is gross. “I don’t want it on my clothes and in my hair,” says the non-smoker. “When I stay home and listen to music I don’t get smoke in my hair.” Well, unfortunately for these people, smoke is ever-present in almost every venue in town. You can try going to all-ages clubs, but then you can’t drink. If you’re into live music and drinking, you’re ultimately going to have to get into smoke, or you’re going to have to get into California.

And a little known fact about drinking: you can’t do it if you’re under twenty-one. Did you know that? I know I know, you were just traveling in Europe with your girlfriend, and in Europe you can be a toddler in a stroller and order a shot of Jagermeister to dip your teething ring into, but here in this country— founded by Puritans who were essentially escaping a raging kegger over in the Old World and just wanted to get some sleep because they had to get up early in the morning— you can’t legally drink until you turn twenty-one. How effective is this law, by the way? How many people do you know who made it to their twenty-first birthday without ever drinking alcohol? I personally made it about twenty years and ten months before I bit into a piece of under-cooked rum cake, so I can’t cast any stones. The damage from this law is felt by venues that get screwed over by certain state-run alcohol agencies I won’t name here (but one of them rhymes with “Go tell Dee-Dee.) Is this what a struggling economy needs? Independent businesses getting killed because someone didn’t card a customer? I’m certainly not the first person to point out that you can sign up with your government to legally kill someone in a foreign land in the name of war before you can have a beverage that cuts off oxygen to your brain cells, but you can sign up with your government to legally kill someone in a foreign land in the name of war before you can legally have a beverage that cuts off oxygen to your brain cells!

Okay, on to the music itself. One thing should be obvious to everyone who has ever seen a live show: the sound of live music in a venue is not going to be as good as the sound you get from a cd player on a stereo. There is an amazing amount of things that have to come together in an evening for it to even come close. The musicians have to remember to tune their instruments, not play through Peavey amps, sing in pitch and play in time. Often they can’t hear themselves because the monitors on stage are inadequate, or they were stolen by last night’s band. Usually the sound engineer is not particularly in the mood on this particular night for engineering sound. Most rooms were never designed to handle musical frequencies in a flattering and enjoyable way. If there are no people there, the room might be harsh because there aren’t enough bodies to absorb high frequencies, and if there are people there, they are probably talking loudly in your ear, which never seems to happen when you listen to music on headphones alone in your bedroom.

And then there’s the performance of the music. Indeed, it’s the biggest variable of all. Let’s say that on that night with 77 shows occurring there were an average of three bands at each show. That’s over two hundred bands, with probably an average of three people in each band. Six hundred musicians playing in one town on one night! What are the chances that each of these six hundred people know how to play music really well, at a level that brings you to your feet and makes your heart jump?

Ah, perhaps that’s the point. For most people, ninety percent of music sucks. Ninety percent of everything sucks. There are probably a lot of musicians playing that have never played a show before. That have never sung into a microphone with a P.A. before. They need experience, they need to learn how to do what they want to do. And if they decide they don’t like it, or that they can’t take playing to nobody, then they’ll go home and practice some more, or they’ll just give up playing live music. Good ol’ capitalism, you done us good.

It’s a crapshoot, that’s all there is too it. I personally have a bad experience almost every time I go to a show, mostly because of the smoke thing, but there is always the chance for that transcendent moment that makes every failed attempt worth it. You see a great band on a great night, something spontaneous happens, you connect to something, your heart jumps. You can’t plan for it, you can’t be told how to find it, you can’t ever know when or if it will happen.

And really, why would you want to? -mlp